At Kate Booth House, one woman learns to feel beautiful again

On a cold day, Maria (not her real name) arrives at the door of Kate Booth House. This Salvation Army centre is a safe haven for women and their children fleeing abuse. Maria looks worn out and desperate as she tearfully thanks the person who opens the door to welcome her and her children.

Maria is like many of the women who come to Vancouver’s Kate Booth House. They come fearful because they are unsure of their future; they come because they want to be safe

After a few days, Maria begins to join in the activities that are prepared for the residents. Opportunities are given for them to share their story and Maria feels safe in talking more openly about herself. Her spirit is broken as she relates the sexual abuse in her life, but she finds relief in the knowledge that someone is listening.

When one of the women tells her that she is beautiful, however, Maria lashes out in anger. “I am ugly! Can’t you see?” she yells, as she covers herself with a blanket. Maria’s home life was violent and she is not used to kind words. She does not yet know how to receive such compliments.

Beauty School
Days later, the women are enjoying an evening of pampering, complete with facials, manicures, foot massages, painted nails, makeup and hair care. Maria cautiously joins in and is made to feel part of the group. At the end of the evening, with tears in her eyes, she admits she feels good about herself for the first time in a long while. This is a baby step of recognition for Maria as she acknowledges that she is indeed a beautiful woman. Her eyes have a sparkle and her face a new glow that has everyone talking.

In another group session, she learns about inner beauty, the kind that doesn’t need to be painted on. This beauty comes from your heart—it is the true you, it is healthy and good. Maria listens hard and takes notes.

At Kate Booth House, there are many opportunities for discussion about self- esteem, self-confidence and internalized guilt and shame. The evening counsellors give residents tools to help them on their new journey to healing. It is wonderful to hear the kind accolades that are shared in this group as the residents build each other up with encouraging words. As Maria attends various sessions, she recognizes that people enjoy her company and they make her feel special.

Like the other residents, Maria has opportunity to speak privately with counsellors who give her confidence to look at herself and help her cope with past abuse. This is a new beginning for Maria. As she sees that people love her for who she is, she doesn’t have to pretend anymore.

Spiritual Awakening
During her stay at Kate Booth House, Maria is introduced to the Bible, which she finds in a drawer in her bedroom. She recalls attending church as a child, but by her late teens, she had lost interest. Since then, she has felt awkward and uneasy whenever the topic of spirituality is mentioned.

One day she blurts out, “How could God have let my husband abuse me?” The pain is real and her voice quivers in anguish. Heads nod in agreement, because the other women understand her pain. These are the moments when silence is best and everyone takes a moment to breathe and process their thoughts.

Soon afterward, a child comes to sing to the women. The children at the home love to participate, and this young girl is an entertainer at heart. From her little body comes a beautiful voice that sings: “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”
Maria’s expression changes. The simple message that the child sings reminds her of the Scripture she read in her room. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

“Could this be true for me?” she asks me one day. I am happy to say yes, and we pray together. It is an enlightening moment for Maria as she decides that she wants to know more about Christ and how he can change her life. 
 

The counsellors at Kate Booth House do not push any religious belief on the residents. But they will discuss their own faith and, if requested, pray a Christian prayer with them. We have a quiet room where people of all faiths can go to meditate and pray. Christian booklets and resources are also available to help residents who choose to walk down this road of faith.

Kate Booth House is the first stepping stone for many women to start their healing. Maria leaves Kate Booth House a different woman—more confident, self-aware and spiritually grounded. Professional counselling helps her cope with the trauma she suffered, and she now attends a small community church where her relationship with God is nurtured. Her journey continues and occasionally our paths cross. I am pleased that she continues to grow, heal and find restoration.

Signs of Domestic Abuse
A woman seems afraid of her partner or is always anxious to please him.
She has stopped seeing friends or family, or cuts conversations short when her partner is in the room.
Her partner often criticizes or humiliates her in front of other people.
Her partner pressures or forces her to do sexual things.
She often talks about her partner’s jealousy, bad temper or possessiveness.
She is anxious or depressed, has lost her confidence or is unusually quiet.
Her partner orders her about or makes all the decisions.
She has unexplained physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, sprains, cuts).
Her children seem afraid of her partner, have behaviour problems or are withdrawn and anxious.
She is reluctant to leave her children with her partner.
After she has left the relationship, her partner constantly harasses her.

What Can I Do to Help?
Listen to what she has to say. Don’t judge, but rather respect her decisions and help her to find ways to become stronger and safer.
Take the abuse seriously. People are much more likely to cover up or downplay the abuse, rather than to make it up or exaggerate.
Help her to build self-confidence. Tell her you think she has been brave in being able to talk about the abuse.
Help her to recognize the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her and her children. You could say, “I’m afraid of what he could do to you” or “I’m worried that it will get worse.”
Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.
Tell her about the safe houses and services that are available. Remind her that she can call just for support and information; they won’t pressure her to leave her home situation if she doesn’t want to.
Keep supporting her, even after she has left the relationship. The period of separation could be a dangerous time for her as the abuse may increase.

What NOT to Do
Don’t blame her for the abuse. Don’t ask questions such as “What did you do for him to treat you like that?” or “Why do you put up with it?” or “How can you still be in love with him?” These questions suggest that it is somehow her fault.
Don’t keep trying to work out the “reasons” for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting the person who is being abused.
Don’t be critical if she says she still loves her partner, or if she leaves but then returns to the relationship. Leaving an abusive partner takes time, and your support is really important.
Don’t attack her partner. Point out the abusive behaviour and let her know that no one has the right to abuse her (for example, say, “Your partner shouldn’t treat you like that”). Criticism of her partner is only likely to make her defend him.
Don’t give advice or tell her what you would do. This will only reduce her confidence to make her own decisions. Listen to her and give her information, not advice.
Don’t pressure her to leave or try to make decisions on her behalf. Focus on listening and supporting her to make her own decisions. She knows her own situation best.